How to Coach a Client Who Wants Two Opposite Things: Working With Ambivalence in Creativity Coaching

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How to Coach a Client Who Wants Two Opposite Things: Working With Ambivalence in Creativity Coaching

A creativity coaching client says:

“I desperately want more freedom in my creative career.”

Ten minutes later:

“But I do not want to give up the financial security of my current work.”

The coach may immediately see a decision:

Freedom or security?

But the client may not be ready to choose between them.

In fact, both desires may be completely genuine.

They want freedom.

They also want stability.

Another client says:

“I want people to see my work.”

Then:

“I hate the idea of becoming more visible.”

Another says:

“I need to finish this project.”

And shortly afterward:

“Part of me does not want it to end because then I have to decide what comes next.”

This is ambivalence.

The client is not necessarily confused, unmotivated or resistant.

They may be experiencing two competing wants, values, fears or priorities that are both meaningful.

A common coaching mistake is trying to eliminate that tension too quickly.

The coach pushes:

“Which one do you really want?”

But sometimes the truthful answer is:

“Both.”

Effective creativity coaching can help clients understand the competing sides of a decision before asking them to choose.

This guide explains how to work with ambivalence without forcing clarity, labeling the client resistant or turning the session into an argument for change.

Contents

What Is Ambivalence in Coaching?

Ambivalence occurs when a client holds competing feelings, desires or motivations toward the same decision or situation.

For example:

  • They want to become more visible but also want privacy.
  • They want to leave a job but value its security.
  • They want to complete a project but fear what completion will require next.
  • They want to specialize but do not want to give up other creative interests.
  • They want professional success but dislike some of the activities required to pursue it.
  • They want change but also value important parts of the current situation.

The key feature is that both sides have meaning.

The client is not simply saying:

“I don’t know.”

They may actually know quite a lot.

They know what attracts them toward change.

They also know what pulls them away from it.

The coaching task is to understand that tension well enough that the client can eventually make a decision they are prepared to own.

Ambivalence Is Not the Same as Confusion

Confusion may involve missing information.

For example:

“I do not know which contract pays more because I have not received the final figures.”

The client may simply need information.

Ambivalence is different.

The client may understand both options very clearly and still feel pulled in two directions.

For example:

“The full-time role gives me security and a strong professional network. Freelancing gives me independence and more time for my own work. I genuinely want both.”

No additional spreadsheet automatically solves that tension.

The client is comparing values and trade-offs rather than merely missing facts.

That distinction matters because a coach can waste time searching for more information when the real issue is that no option provides everything the client values.

Ambivalence Is Not Automatically Resistance

A client says they want change.

Then they describe reasons not to change.

The coach may think:

“They are resisting.”

That interpretation may be too quick.

Suppose a writer says:

“I want to reduce my commercial work so I can finish my novel.”

But they also say:

“The commercial work pays my bills and I like several of my clients.”

Those concerns are not necessarily excuses.

They are part of the decision.

Good coaching takes both seriously.

The distinction between reluctance, disagreement and genuine resistance is explored further in How to Work With Resistance in Creativity Coaching Without Labeling the Client Difficult.

Ambivalence becomes easier to work with when the coach stops treating one side as the “correct” side and the other as the obstacle.

Why Ambivalence Appears Frequently in Creative Work

Creative decisions often involve competing values.

A creative professional may value:

  • Freedom.
  • Security.
  • Originality.
  • Recognition.
  • Privacy.
  • Financial stability.
  • Experimentation.
  • Mastery.
  • Variety.
  • Completion.

Unfortunately, these values do not always point in the same direction.

A client may want originality and commercial acceptance.

But the most original choice may feel commercially risky.

They may want visibility and privacy.

Professional growth may require more public exposure than they enjoy.

They may want variety and mastery.

Exploring five disciplines provides stimulation, while deeper expertise may require sustained focus.

They may want independence and collaboration.

Working alone gives control, while collaboration provides support and new ideas.

The goal of coaching is not to pretend these tensions do not exist.

It is to help the client understand which trade-offs they are willing to make.

Take Both Sides Seriously

One of the biggest coaching mistakes is silently choosing a side for the client.

Imagine the client says:

“I want to leave my agency role and become independent, but I am worried about financial stability.”

The coach loves entrepreneurship.

They begin asking questions such as:

  • What would freedom make possible?
  • What is stopping you?
  • What could you achieve if you took the risk?

Notice what has happened.

The coach is exploring the benefits of leaving and treating the reasons for staying as barriers.

A more balanced conversation also asks:

  • What do you genuinely value about the current role?
  • What would you lose by leaving?
  • What does stability allow you to do?
  • Which parts of your current work would you miss?

Then explore the other side equally.

This prevents coaching from becoming persuasion.

Listen for Ambivalent Language

Ambivalence often appears in the client’s language.

Listen for phrases such as:

  • “I want to, but…”
  • “Part of me…”
  • “On the other hand…”
  • “I know I should, except…”
  • “I would love to, although…”
  • “I am excited about it and terrified by it.”
  • “I keep changing my mind.”

The coach can reflect the tension.

“I’m hearing that independence is very attractive to you, while security is also genuinely important. Is that accurate?”

This can be more useful than:

“So what is stopping you from becoming independent?”

The first recognizes two meaningful sides.

The second assumes the destination has already been decided.

Identify the Values Behind Each Side

Ambivalence becomes easier to understand when the client moves beneath the surface options.

For example:

Option A: Stay employed.

Option B: Become independent.

Instead of comparing only the options, ask what each represents.

Staying employed might represent:

  • Security.
  • Belonging.
  • Structure.
  • Professional credibility.

Becoming independent might represent:

  • Autonomy.
  • Creative freedom.
  • Flexibility.
  • Ownership.

Now the coaching question becomes richer.

Perhaps the client does not need to choose between a job and freedom.

They may need to ask how much autonomy they can create within employment or how much security they can build before becoming independent.

Values often reveal possibilities that a simple either-or decision hides.

Explore the Cost of Each Choice

Clients can become stuck because they are looking for an option with benefits but no cost.

Such an option may not exist.

For example:

The client wants to specialize.

Specialization may bring:

  • Clearer positioning.
  • Deeper expertise.
  • Easier communication of value.

But it may also mean:

  • Doing less of some other work.
  • Saying no more often.
  • Letting some ideas remain secondary.

If the client refuses every cost, the decision remains impossible.

Useful questions include:

“What price comes with each option?”

“Which trade-off are you more willing to live with?”

“What are you unwilling to sacrifice?”

Good decision-making is often less about finding the perfect option and more about understanding which imperfect option fits best.

The broader process is explored in How Creativity Coaches Help Clients Make Better Creative Decisions.

Check Whether the Client Is Creating a False Either-Or Choice

Not every apparent conflict requires choosing one side completely.

A client says:

“Either I keep my job and abandon my creative work, or I quit immediately and become a full-time artist.”

Those may not be the only options.

Possible alternatives might include:

  • Reducing working hours.
  • Setting a transition date.
  • Building savings first.
  • Testing paid creative work part-time.
  • Changing roles rather than leaving employment entirely.

The coach should not supply these options automatically.

Instead ask:

“Are those genuinely the only two choices?”

Or:

“What would a middle position look like?”

Sometimes ambivalence remains because the client has constructed a decision that is unnecessarily binary.

Do Not Rush From Ambivalence Into Decision-Making

Coaches often feel pressure to produce decisions.

The client arrives uncertain.

The coach wants them to leave clear.

But premature clarity can be fragile.

A client may choose quickly during the session and reverse the decision two days later because the other side was never properly explored.

For example:

The client says:

“Fine. I’ll leave the project.”

The coach may feel pleased that the session produced a decision.

But ask:

“What happens to the part of you that still wants to continue?”

The client may answer:

“Honestly, I think I’ll regret stopping.”

The apparent decision was not ready.

Sometimes the correct coaching outcome for today is:

“I understand much more clearly why this decision is difficult.”

That can be meaningful progress.

Ask Questions That Clarify Rather Than Persuade

Questions can accidentally push the client toward the coach’s preferred side.

Leading question:

“Wouldn’t you feel much happier if you finally left the job?”

More neutral question:

“What would leaving make possible, and what would it make more difficult?”

Leading question:

“What’s the worst that could happen if you showed your work?”

More balanced:

“What attracts you toward greater visibility, and what makes you want to protect your privacy?”

Neutral questioning becomes particularly important when the client is ambivalent because small wording differences can make one side appear more legitimate than the other.

See How to Ask Better Questions in Creativity Coaching for more on open, neutral and non-leading questions.

Use Experiments When Thinking Alone Is Not Enough

Some ambivalence cannot be resolved by additional conversation.

The client needs experience.

For example:

A designer says:

“I think I want to teach, but I am not sure whether I would enjoy it enough to change careers.”

Instead of demanding a career decision, the client might test:

  • A short workshop.
  • A guest teaching session.
  • A mentoring project.

Now they have new information.

Another client says:

“I want a more public creative profile, but I do not know whether regular public content will feel sustainable.”

They might test one limited publishing period rather than committing indefinitely.

Experiments convert abstract ambivalence into experience.

The purpose is not to trick the client toward one side.

It is to learn.

When Ambivalence Signals That the Coaching Goal Is Changing

Sometimes ambivalence appears because the original goal no longer fits cleanly.

A client began coaching with:

“I want to scale my creative business.”

Several months later:

“Part of me wants growth, but part of me actually wants a smaller business and more time for my own creative work.”

The coach should not automatically continue optimizing for growth.

The coaching goal itself may need review.

The new question might become:

“What kind of business supports the life and creative practice you actually want?”

This kind of shift is exactly why coaching goals should not be treated as permanent contracts with an earlier version of the client.

The practical process for changing the focus is explored in How to Recontract a Creativity Coaching Relationship When the Client’s Goal Changes.

The BOTH Framework for Working With Ambivalence

The following framework can help creativity coaches explore competing motivations without deciding which side should win.

B — Bring both sides into the conversation

Name the tension neutrally.

“One part of you wants more freedom, while another values the stability you currently have.”

O — Open up what each side protects or provides

Ask:

  • What does this option give you?
  • What need does it meet?
  • What are you protecting?
  • What value does it represent?

T — Test assumptions and trade-offs

Ask:

  • Does choosing one really require losing all of the other?
  • What is the cost of each option?
  • Which assumptions need evidence?

H — Hand the choice back to the client

Eventually ask:

“Given what you now understand about both sides, what are you ready to choose or test?”

BOTH is not an official coaching model.

It is a practical reminder that ambivalence should be explored before one side is treated as the solution.

30 Coaching Questions for Ambivalent Clients

Understanding both sides

  1. What draws you toward this change?
  2. What pulls you away from it?
  3. What do you want about option A?
  4. What do you want about option B?
  5. What feels important on both sides?

Exploring values

  1. What value does each option represent?
  2. What are you protecting by staying where you are?
  3. What are you hoping to gain by changing?
  4. Which need is easiest to overlook?
  5. What would you regret losing?

Exploring trade-offs

  1. What does each option cost?
  2. Which cost feels more acceptable?
  3. What sacrifice are you unwilling to make?
  4. What benefit matters most?
  5. What are you hoping to get without having to give anything up?

Testing assumptions

  1. Are these genuinely the only two options?
  2. What middle ground might exist?
  3. What assumption makes these options feel mutually exclusive?
  4. What evidence supports that assumption?
  5. What could you test before deciding?

Clarifying readiness

  1. What do you already know about your preference?
  2. What remains unresolved?
  3. What information would actually change your decision?
  4. What are you waiting to feel before choosing?
  5. Is that feeling realistically available?

Moving forward

  1. What decision are you ready to make now?
  2. What decision are you not ready to make?
  3. What small experiment would help?
  4. What would a reversible next step look like?
  5. What choice are you prepared to take responsibility for?

Examples of Ambivalence in Creativity Coaching

Example 1: Freedom vs financial security

Client:

“I want to freelance, but every time I think about leaving my salary I panic.”

Coach:

“It sounds as though freedom and financial security are both important. What does each give you?”

Client:

“The salary gives me peace. Freelancing gives me control.”

Coach:

“What would a transition need to contain for you to have more control without giving up all of that peace at once?”

The conversation moves beyond a binary quit-or-stay decision.

Example 2: Visibility vs privacy

Client:

“I want my work to reach more people, but I hate being visible online.”

Coach:

“What kind of visibility do you actually need for the work, and what kind of visibility are you assuming comes with it?”

The client may discover they have been treating constant personal exposure as the only possible route to professional visibility.

Example 3: Finishing vs keeping possibilities open

Client:

“I want to finish the book, but every time I commit to one version I start thinking about everything else it could become.”

Coach:

“What does finishing give you, and what does keeping the possibilities open give you?”

Client:

“Finishing gives me something real. Possibility makes me feel that I have not made the wrong choice.”

Now the issue is clearer.

Example 4: Specialization vs variety

A designer says:

“Everyone tells me to specialize, but doing several kinds of work is part of what keeps me interested.”

The coach should not automatically turn variety into a branding problem.

Ask:

“What do you gain from variety, and what do you hope specialization would solve?”

The client may eventually choose a specialized market position while retaining multiple creative practices.

Or they may decide variety is central to the career they want.

The coach does not need to choose for them.

Example 5: The client says “I don’t know” because both sides matter

Coach:

“Which option do you want?”

Client:

“I don’t know.”

Instead of assuming there is no answer, the coach asks:

“What do you know about what attracts you to each option?”

The client gives a detailed answer.

The issue was not absence of knowledge.

It was competing knowledge.

This is one reason responses to uncertainty should remain exploratory rather than automatically supplying an answer. See When a Creativity Coaching Client Says “I Don’t Know”.

Do Not Try to Make the Client Consistent Too Quickly

Coaches often notice contradictions.

The client says:

“I want to grow.”

and:

“I do not want a bigger workload.”

Those statements may seem inconsistent.

But instead of challenging the client to choose immediately, ask:

“What does growth mean if it does not mean more workload?”

The client may define growth as:

  • Higher-value work.
  • Fewer better clients.
  • More recognition.
  • More creative control.

What first looked like contradiction may actually reveal that the client’s definition of growth differs from the coach’s assumption.

Respectful challenge can still be useful, particularly when the client’s own statements do not seem to fit together. The guide on challenging a creativity coaching client without becoming confrontational shows how to raise such observations without imposing a conclusion.

Ambivalence Can Be Progress

A client may begin coaching completely committed to one direction.

After several sessions they become more ambivalent.

At first, this can look like the coaching has made them less clear.

But perhaps they are finally recognizing costs they had ignored.

For example:

Before coaching:

“I need to scale my business.”

Later:

“I want more income, but I do not want a larger team or less creative involvement.”

The second statement is less simple.

It may also be more accurate.

Complexity is not always regression.

Sometimes the client needs a more truthful understanding before useful clarity can emerge.

Common Mistakes Coaches Make With Client Ambivalence

1. Choosing a side for the client

The coach decides which motivation is more rational or courageous.

2. Treating one side as resistance

The desire for change becomes legitimate while concerns about change become obstacles.

3. Asking for a decision too early

The client produces artificial clarity that disappears after the session.

4. Searching endlessly for more information

The client already understands the options; the issue is the trade-off.

5. Assuming ambivalence means the goal is wrong

Important goals can still create mixed feelings.

6. Overusing pros-and-cons lists

Not every competing value can be resolved mathematically.

7. Using leading questions

The coach subtly argues for the option they prefer.

8. Calling the client indecisive

A complex situation becomes a character judgment.

9. Looking for an option with no downside

The coaching reinforces the fantasy that a perfect decision must exist.

10. Continuing the original goal without reviewing it

Ambivalence may indicate that the coaching purpose itself needs to evolve.

What Trainee Creativity Coaches Should Practise

Ambivalence is valuable practice material because it tests the coach’s neutrality.

New coaches often want to help by simplifying.

The challenge is staying curious long enough to understand complexity.

Practice 1: Identify both sides

After a practice session, write:

  • What was pulling the client toward change?
  • What was pulling them toward staying the same?

Did you explore both equally?

Practice 2: Notice your preferred outcome

Ask:

“Which option did I personally want the client to choose?”

Then review whether your questions favored that option.

Practice 3: Stop labeling hesitation

Instead of writing:

“Client is resistant.”

write:

“Client values the freedom of changing direction and the security of maintaining the current role.”

The second description gives you something useful to coach.

Practice 4: Delay the decision

Try conducting a practice conversation where the goal is understanding the tension rather than resolving it immediately.

Practice 5: Review your questions

Were they genuinely open?

Or did they contain your preferred answer?

This kind of practitioner self-observation is essential for building professional judgment.

Good Coaching Helps Clients Make Decisions They Can Own

The goal is not to remove all mixed feelings.

A client can make a strong decision and still feel something about the option they did not choose.

For example:

“I have decided to leave the job. I still feel sad about losing the team and nervous about the income.”

That does not necessarily mean the decision is wrong.

It means the decision has consequences.

Creativity coaches can help clients move beyond the idea that certainty must mean:

  • No fear.
  • No regret.
  • No competing desire.
  • No downside.

Sometimes good decision-making sounds more like:

“I understand what I gain, what I lose and why I am choosing this anyway.”

That is a decision the client is more likely to own.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is ambivalence in coaching?

Ambivalence occurs when a client experiences competing motivations, feelings or values about the same decision, such as wanting greater creative freedom while also valuing financial security.

Is ambivalence the same as resistance?

No. Ambivalence may simply mean that both sides of a decision have genuine value. Coaches should explore the competing motivations before labeling the client resistant.

How should a coach respond when a client keeps changing their mind?

Explore what attracts them toward each option, what each option costs and whether the apparent choices represent different underlying values or needs.

Should a coach push an ambivalent client to make a decision?

Not automatically. Premature decisions can create temporary clarity without resolving the underlying conflict. Sometimes understanding the ambivalence is the most useful immediate outcome.

Can a client genuinely want two opposite things?

Yes. People can value freedom and security, visibility and privacy, variety and specialization, or growth and simplicity at the same time.

How can a coach remain neutral when one option seems better?

Notice your own preference, explore the meaning and costs of both options and use questions that do not assume which side should win.

What if the client says “I don’t know” when they are ambivalent?

Ask what they do know about what attracts them toward each option. They may have substantial information but struggle because the motivations conflict.

Can experiments help resolve ambivalence?

Yes. Small, reversible experiments can provide experience that thinking alone cannot, particularly when the client is unsure how an option will actually feel in practice.

Can ambivalence mean the coaching goal needs to change?

Yes. A client may discover that the original goal represents only one part of what they want. In that situation, the coaching focus may need to be reviewed and recontracted.

How can trainee coaches improve at working with ambivalence?

Practise exploring both sides equally, notice your preferred outcome, avoid labeling hesitation and review whether your questions are genuinely neutral.

Develop Professional Creativity Coaching Skills

Working with ambivalence requires patience and judgment.

A creativity coach needs to recognize when uncertainty comes from missing information, when it comes from conflicting values and when the client simply needs more time or experience before deciding.

The goal is not to make decisions for clients.

It is to help them understand their own motivations well enough to make decisions they can genuinely own.

Professionals interested in developing these skills can explore the Creativity Coach Certification Program.

You can also review the Online Creativity Coach Certification Course.

For UK-focused professional training information, visit the Creativity Coaching Certification Program in the United Kingdom.

Professionals researching the program from Canada can explore the Creativity Coaching Certification Program in Canada.

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